It's my life

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

[Chorus:]
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)

My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

[Chorus:]
It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)

My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down...

Rebellion has never been my thing. I'm a good girl who does things when told or when told not to. I'm thankful that I have grown up in a safe and protected environment and in a good family. But life is never perfect nor easy. What I am talking about has been occurring for many years now. Ok, it's nothing serious but I'm finally taking this chance... I'm ready to let it all out.
 
I remember growing up and whenever I tried to do something like running down slopes, I was scolded. Of course I would get scolded, I told myself; it was too childish and embarrassing. How old was I then? I'm not sure... probably P3 or so? Anyway, I'm told not to do this or that 'cos it will embarrass the family or just bring trouble. Yup, I'm very seldom trouble. I'm always the quiet one, the passive one, the guai one. There are many times when I would get so angry that I just want to scream out loud, but I never do that. Not like my brothers, not like sister. Or even if I try to do so, I'll be faced with the question, "When did you become like that?" Once bitten, twice shy. I felt guilty for expressing my anger those few incidents and from then on, I just hide in a corner, bottle things up, channel my anger in other ways. I end up crying, and dear oh dear, feeling guilty that I'm feeling this way when there are so many others who are less fortunate than me in the world. Others may try to self-mutilate but well, I grew up in a good environment and I know it's wrong. What I do is, I take out my pen and start writing all over my arms and legs. I write things like "be strong",  "perservere", "don't cry", and all the positive things I can think of. Man I'm so weird.... then when I'm feeling better, I just go wash it off. Not a single trace left...
 
This is seriously something I have never talked about but thought a lot about. I liked being in the toilet/bathroom. It's private and kinda like my personal space. Haha lol. But it's true. :) Ok, so I grew up with high expectations from my family. Yes this, yes that. No this, no that. I do get a lot of support but sometimes not the kind that I'm wishing for. Well, I have a cousin who says I'm her role model (aww....) but I think that when I was at her age, I was already trying to tackle and solve my own problems. It doesn't help when you are the middle child with 2 younger brothers and an older sister. I was kinda left on my own when I was about P5 onwards because that's when my brother entered P1 and well, you know how worried parents get. Come to think of it, I was watching Desert Punk around then and it is hentai meant for males 18 and above. Lol ok but I'm still a guai girl.
 
Then P6 prelims and PSLE came. Crucial year yeah. I was suddenly the target of blames and complaints. Why are you not studying? Have you done your homework? Why this kind of marks? My students (my mum is a teacher) are working so hard, doing so many assessments and assignments and you? This student came and personally asked me for more help and what are you doing now? Blah blah blah... I was conditioned to think I would do badly and was under a lot of stress... thinking back, it was not a good experience at all. Of course, I did study hard, I did what I could, I stayed back in school just to study more.... but they don't know. I try to explain but I gave up after a while and tolerated things after. After the PSLE paper, I would come home and my mum would ask how it was. I would say it's ok, there were some difficult stuff and suddenly, I'm being compared to my mum's students again.... Why did you say it was tough? My students said it was easy. Most of them got this answer so why is your answer different?
 
I cried so many times that year when I'm alone but I told myself not to give up. I said I would show with my actions and my results. And guess what? I did show my parents. I got good results and am now in a good school where I have been given so many opportunities. So I have more freedom now but I know it's only because my youngers brothers need more care and concern than my sis and I since we're older. At least I have some self-discipline? If I don't, I might be some rebellious teen now. Haha right I'm not but a little rebellion is fun and relaxing sometimes. Haha I just did. I gave the silent treatment, the cold shoulder. I shouldn't have done it but at least it's better than screaming and shouting. I might say something I don't mean and later regret saying it. At least, being the one who cries in a corner, I think I managed to save myself that bit of trouble. And thinking back, I know that our parents love us and what they do is for our own good. So yeah. I hate being accused of doing something I didn't do so I guess as long as I know I'm not gonig against what I believe in, whether I'm ultimately scolded or blamed by my parents, I'll tolerate it. At least I have a say in this blog. haha :)

Nonetheless, I'm still a happy person. I mentioned once that I forgive and forget easily. Maybe too easily so I get hurt again but whatever. haha I think that sometimes that happiest people can be the saddest people as well because they have gone through so many obstacles and sadness in life, they know how to appreciate what they have before them. Just like couples who stay with each other all the way. It's not because they had a perfect marriage. But they have manged to overcome all the problems together and they emerge with a love that is stronger. So I guess for all that I have gone through, I'll continue to grow stronger. Wish me luck.